The Remains of......
"Because I let your hands undo me
like an origami crane,
fold by fold, fingers easing out creases,
because I let the ink
of your brushstrokes seep the whiteness
of my paper-thin skin
and mark me, i could call this love,
or maybe delusion."
-exerpt from Peony Lover by Lee Ann Roripaugh
My english teacher gave me afew handout poems from this poet. Lee Ann is Japanese-American, and these were supposed to be poems that i would enjoy. I did. They are absolutely beautiful. Its like reading an american haiku. I have enjoyed them greatly, and plan to email the poet about her poems. She is currently teaching at the University of South Dakota. There are afew other poets i want to email as well. There is one who teaches at U of H in houston that i would love to get into contat with. It would be nice.
So i really do not know what to talk about this time around. I've been very busy catching up in classes due to being SO behind...stupid A&M trip. It wasn't bad, it just took up alot of precious time i needed for homework and other various things. This week is homecomming and again, time is precious. I'm marching in the parade. Oh i'm also loosing my car! Which really sucks. I'm going to be stuck on campus again...does anybody realize how depressing this makes me feel?! I hate being dependant on people. I just hate it.
I guess i've been thinking alot about relationships and how they are "supposed to be". I don't think there really is a cannon when it comes to relationships but there are certian factors that a person comes to want or enjoy. Reflecting back upon my own relationships, i have not had one that has gone completely well. Way too many times are my relationships mottled with cheeting, jealousy, hurt, pain, and arguing. It takes a toll on a person. I really have come to the conclusion that i hate dating. Dating is pointless and unnecessary. Yeah yeah you have to find that "special person" and get to know them by dating them but what i have found if you fall in love you fall in love, whether you are dating or not. You can also be seeing eachother but not "dating" per say. Dating is a pointless wast of time, energy and heartache. I would like to know how much hurt and scars a person is capable of. Now, this is not a Reijn pitty-party, but this is a Reijn showing some form of emotional scarrage. I don't pretend to not have been damaged by Joey, or bitter towards Will, or hurt by Austin, or effected by Derek, but i do pretend to be ok...every single day. I am ok. I continue to tell myself this, but in reality i am not. The pain and baggage i carry is vast and its baggage that most people do not want to hear. I was talking to my friend Peter the other day, and i was spacing out quite a bit. He asked me what was up and i just answered, "ah, just thinking about a poem i'm writing...alot of things are going through my head right now." He, then, asked me what is it all about. I couldn't answer him. I don't want to scare him. I just told him that i will tell him in time, and that there are quite a bit of things about me that he does not know about nor does he really want to know about. It puzzled him and threw him into a wondering frenzy. I can't help that. But i can help what i tell people. How many people can i just go up to and say one or two words and they would understand...or wear something and they would get the connotation. It took me several months to literally hang up my collar on the wall and NOT touch it. That took alot, but at the same time, the sound of chains and the scent of leather haunts me. I yearn for it and repel it at the same time. Its just one of the types of baggage i have. My english teacher told me that i should open up and write about this stuff more often, but it hurts...its all still so fresh to me that it opens up wounds that i thought were healed...obviously not.
As i write this there is a guy sitting across from me in the SUB who's shirt says:
"Sex, violence and horses...sometimes on the same page"
How ironicly perfect...
-Reijn
posted by Reijn of the Elfin Muse | 11:30 AM
5 Comments:
Dating is a defective social institution. What does it accomplish, really? Looking at the divorce rate... not much.
It could be argued that dating and divorce are not related by a cause/ effect statement, but instead are both offshoots of modern culture. But who cares.
I'll admit that dating might weed out the absolute unstable *insert suitable noun here*... but how many people date, get married, and then divorce in a short amount of time ANYWAY?
I think I just laid out a logical argument for your viewpoint, although you probably do not care. I'll save my theories on what society ought to institutionalize to replace dating later ;p
Interesting poem... a direct contrast to what I'm studying right now... Have you ever heard of Hrotsvit of Gandersheim? She's one of the first known women authors/ dramatists. I have to struggle not to laugh while I read her work. You want to know what this woman espouses? PASSIONATELY?
Chastity. Oh, to be a virgin! Haha, omg, the play I was assigned to read last night? A married woman (whose husband currently allows her to live chastely because of her religious devotion to the Eternal Bridegroom) is approached by a dashing young fellow, a man absolutely SMITTEN. Obsessed would be a better word. Alarmed by his lust, she prays for death to save her virginity(and catches a mild fever and passes away on the spot).
Thwarted, the unrequited lover bribes the guard of her tomb to look the other way while he has his sinful! Satanic! way with the saintly, virginal corpse. The guard wants to watch, saying, "Oh, look, her face isn't yet decayed. And her body looks pretty damn fine, too." As the young man mounts (btw, this is written by a canoness. An aristocratic, possibly royal, nun.) a gigantic snake comes along and kills the guard and the young corpse-lover. Literally. In a matter of moments. The just snake appears out of nowhere-- I guess the reader is supposed to assume the depths of Hell or something.
Then... blah blah blah... resurrection... more vows of chastity by all involved... a long latin prayer... finito. What do you think? Would you prefer to study your poetry or my medieval plays?
Sorry. I just totally killed half an hour by commenting on your blog. : /
To conclude, I feel that it might help a little to provide a context for Hrotsvit... in her day, you know, the choice was chastity or marriage. So... liberty or complete domination (potentially by some violent jackass; no telling). I would probably choose the chastity in Hrotsvit's case... but nevertheless. Her stuff is a hoot to read.
k. finished. swear.
i'm not arguing chasity though. I'm arguing the fact that dating is a pointless and horrible waste of time. Society brings it upon us, but at the same time we repell it like smoke blowing in our eyes. It stings but we still sit down wind. WTH! honestly, are we so dense that we HAVE to date?! I say not, but also living in west texas, i would be a sinful black mark to society.
yay for black marks! ; )
it's fun. don't date; have people speculate behind your back; do it. you don't see me bothering with all that shit do you?
i like that you compare dating to sitting down wind. down wind of what? an old woman with a flatulence issue? (you should have added that, it's a good illustration) the old woman would really make your eyes sting...
: ) and i know you weren't arguing for chastity-- who in this society would? i was just really amused by the fact a nun would right about virginal wives and necrophiliacs. i thought my imagination was active? hell no; not in comparison. these medieval era people were quite creative...
e-mail me your stuff! i'll read it!
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I hope that you will find true love one day. Nothing on this earth can be perfect, but perfectly imperfect! It can feel lonely sometimes, but don't lose sight of the people that care and love you for who you are. Have faith, and hope that eventually there will be a rewarding life in store. The future is bright although it is tough to see through the fog of your current and past problems. You are intelligent and strong. Remember this. Love yourself first! You deserve the best!
Peace, Love, Hope!
Tan
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