The Red Balloon

Rediscovering this world with the realization of an adult but the nuances of a child carrying a brand-new red balloon as it trails behind them in playful glee.

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Location: Sugar Land; Lubbock, Texas, United States

Living the life of an excentric elfen artist in a world of logic and numbers.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Future Breaks


Crazy.

Its been a crazy crazy good week. I've been consumed with school work and classes. My english courses are going to eat me for lunch, then my art courses are going to eat the small remains of me for dinner. ha ha ha...ok, korny i know....leave me alone. Its been a long week. I've been studying hard in my Japanese class while trying to keep a somewhat social life. Which leads me to Jordan.

Jordan's Future.

I think i found someone special. Like, honestly special. I don't want to sound to presumptuous or "jumping-the-gun" but i think i found someone that lean on, and trust, and care for while not being scared of the future. That is something that has always come and bitten me in the butt...the future. So many wonderful guys have walked out of my life because of changes in thier lives or paths changing. Its not anything that i like or enjoy seeing, but it is something that tends to happen with me...more often than not. Jordan is graduating in December. Well, wonderful for him, though, i'm just worried what would happen to "us" if he leaves. I think we found our connection...our halves...but lets face it, i don't do long distance, and I have two more years ahead of me before i graduate with my undergrad. Then, on top of that, i want to go to grad school. Is he willing to follow? I don't know. My education has always come first in my life, but at the same time...what truly comes first when you are falling so hard and so fast for someone that you are scared to even look around for the ground? I pray to God that the ground never comes. I don't want to go through that pain again...not now, and not with Jordan.

Guys and Dolls.

A friend just asked me: "lol, well, I took a girl from work but it looks like we will just be friends.
From one friend to another, tell me the truth on this question,
Why do nice guys finish last?"

I responded: lol, honestly from one friend to another and one guy to/from a girl...this is how it works:

the nice guys don't finish last. In the long run they don't. They come out on top. They are the ones who get the girl after the douchbags have gone and are still single. The nice guys are the ones who come out with the hot girls too. The thing is that most girls our age have not figured themselves out. They don't know who they are and what they want in both thier lives and in a relationship. In many ways, you have to wait until you find a mature enough girl for you. But once you find her, you will most definately be comming out on top, compared to that asshole behind you. Alot of my guy friends have asked me that exact same question, and all I truly have to say is that the girls that you are going for are not worth your time if they are acting the way they are. The ones who are worth your time are the ones who are sitting in a corner watching everybody and then slips out when the people are getting stupid. (But i would like to respond more: ) Jordan said something to me last night that really struck me hard. I've had lots of friends and guy friends all tell me that i'm the "fish" that got away, or that i'm too much of an air elemental for my own good. Jordan said, that he had been waiting for someone like me, for a long time. That he was not going to let this oppritunity go...that i was worth the sacrifices. What he said struck me hard. This is why. NOBODY has ever said that to me. no one. Now, i probally have some of my ex-es reading this and they are saying, "no, i said that to you..." but my responce to you is that things never pulled through...the sacrifices weren't made...or paths changed and there were no need for sacrifices. With Jordan, i'm eerily suspicious that things are different. That he might actually make those sacrifices. But what about the nice guys? Overall, Jordan is a nice guy. He is sweet with chilvary and wonderful manners. A good west texas boy. Don't get me wrong, he is a complete ass too. But that is his way of showing that he cares. (how backwards that sounds, its true). He sat me down last night and told me that if any of my (bad) ex-es continued to call me that he would intervene...because he could and he felt like it was his right. I was floored. No one has ever offered to do that. So, in his case, the nice guy did not finish last...the nice guy just had to sift through all the crappy girls until he found one good one...thus comming out on top in the end....then all the real jerks are still single and still left with all the crappy girls.

Its a really backwards world we live in. My question to you is, "why do all the good ones go through the BS before finding something special?" I don't regret any of my past relationships but at the same time, alot of it was extreemly unnecessary and painful. I have grown because of it, but it doesn't change the fact that the scars and barriers are still there. Its hard to let go of what you know to be true...what is truth for your life. Its a comfort zone almost. Why walk out of the shell that makes us feel safe, just to take a gamble of happiness? Too many people make that mistake and become hurt in the end. Its not fair...its not right.

-Reijn

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Unpatriotic


The Struggle.

The title of this entry reminds me of my high school band director. He yelled at us for 30 min my freshman year telling us how unpatriotic we were because we weren't rehursing well in band. This was right after the happenings of 9/11. He went on and ranted how marching band is an American tradition and that we are to uphold it and be proud of our traditions...therefore be patriotic and rehurse well. Alot of bull, but what can you do when you are standing at attention on a marching field being yelled at. So that is my little story for 9/11. Prayers to the families effected, the people involved and our world situation right now:

Sam: "It's in the great stories, Frodo. The one's that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
"But in the end it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. These were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something."

Frodo: "What are we holding on to Sam?"

Sam: "There's some good in this world. And it's worth fighting for."



Cell Phone.

So, as many of you know, my cell phone died the morning of my birthday. So i have been without a phone for almost a week now. I have learned to love it. This is why. No phone calls at ungodly hours at night, no textmessages telling me pointless information, no interuptions during my naps, class, or personal time. I am really enjoying the solitude of no cell phones. What is even better is that (now this is a secret) i have a replacement until the contract is renewed. Very few people know this. Why? I'm enjoying little to no phonecalls! I have developed this new habit: I don't take my phone to class, and i turn it off by 11:00pm each night. I don't care if i'm pulling a late night, the phone goes off. If someone really needs to contact me they can shoot me an email or message me on AIM, i'll get it soon enough. I have actually come to not like the ring of a phone. It grates at my ears. Why may you ask? Honestly, i think its because I was so dependant on a phone but many places don't want a phone on i started turning my phone to vibrate 24/7. The phone i have now is too old and i barely remember how to work the thing, so it stays on ring...and its annoying. Only three or so weeks of annoying rings. Speaking of that, three weeks of this phone, so i won't be programming any numbers into it, because I do not want to take the time to type in 150+ people into my phone then have to do it three weeks later. Logic. So all in all, i'm gravitating more and more towards solitude...pure and utter solitude. I don't think i'll give up my computers, but i will turn down friend's requests to hang out, and i won't always answer my phone anymore. Its just a grand feeling!


iPod.

so i think i lost my ipod again. I love that thing, and i think its gone. I'm probally going to have to wait until Christmas break until i have enough money to buy a nother one. I'm probally going to get one of the iPod touches or the new nano. We'll see. We'll see. I don't understand how i continuously loose my ipod. I guess, i'm never truly ment to keep it. Curse God and His grand design, not really, but really. lol. I miss my Little Raider...it was red and black. Yeah, i'm a geek...what can I say...i love Tech alot.


Weather.

It has been scientifically proven that weather effects someone's attitude and mood. Monday and Tuesday it was cold and rainy and dreery. I struggled so much trying to get out bed, so much so that every time i layed down for a nap, i slept through my class. The feeling of hopelessness and antisocialness for the world creeps into the very poors of your thoughts. In other words, i'm not a nice person when the weather is bad in Lubbock. Lubbock is known for its 80% sky and sunshine throughout the year. That hasn't been the case as of lately. Sad isn't it. I noticed this about myself when i was a Freshman. You get so used to the sun and the cloudless skys that once they go away, you feel like the world is falling in on you. It just shows how much I really do enjoy a sunny day no matter how hot or cold it is. Right now, its pure blue skies with a slight breeze, cool air, and the sun is laughing. I have my door to my apartment open and my window unit to: "fan". Its so beautiful, why not?! I enjoy really nice wonderful weather...especially when you have to wear a jacket in the mornings and shorts in the afternoons. lol!


Best wishes friends!

-Reijn

Monday, September 10, 2007

The Secrets of the East...


well, after reading some of my other link-friend's blogs i decided i should go ahead and blog. I'm horrible at continuing blogging but i'm going to do it.

Acouple of things first:
- my water is shut off again...i need to go to the restroom.
- its raining...its raining in lubbock...and its cold. Its only september.
- i have fallen in love with my apartment complex. I love my neighbors and community
- I'm happy, truly happy for the first time in several years

My 21st.

Well, my birthday went quite well. Brian and I went to Pei Wei. We dressed up nice and went to dinner. It was nice. I haven't dressed up in a very long time. It was very nice. Then after dinner we went to The Strip and i bought alcohol all by myself! Turning 21 rights of passage and all. lol. Then we went back to my apartment and got it ready for the party. During the party, several good friends showed up and we all had a wonderful time. Several of my neighbors showed up as well. It was really cool that they decided to come. I really got to know one of them, Jordan. He actually ran to the Strip and bought me stuff and came back and hung out with us. It was really cool. Overall i had a fun time. I jammed my finger quite well, and its swollen and hurts now....but its just jammed. My fridge is stuffed full of alcoholic drinks...that scares me just a bit. And i got a total of one hour of sleep before i had to get up and go to marching band rehursal on Saturday. Oh, that remindes me in a backwards sort of way, my friend John came by and we jammed. He played on my piano and i took out my flute. I was quite drunk, but we had fun playing and just jamming together. It was pretty cool.

Jordan.

He lives above and across the way from me. I can see his door from my window. I come home over the weekend and he's sitting outside of his door smoking and chillin'. With a great smile and a witty personallity, i have really grown to appreciate his friendship and presence around this place. The only problem, the little f-er is graduating in December and may not be around for next semester. That is always how things tend to pan out. I make amazing friends and then they graduate and move on...and i normally never see them again. It makes me sad and frustrated. He's one of those people that i am really enjoying getting to know. We laugh and intellectually challenge eachother. Its great. I really want to see where this friendship leads to. I'm excited about all of the possibilities.

Apartment.

my apartment is a mess. I need to clean the carpet, clean the kitchen and bathroom...desperately. I also need to take the hedgehogs outside and let them run around...but its raining...i don't like rain...and its cold..i don't like it when it gets cold. lol. I'm sleepy too...and really want to use the restroom but the water is off. *sighs*

Oh well.

-Reijn

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Beautiful Disaster


Hedgehogs.

Nothing really that big to talk about right now. I took my hedgehogs out yesterday morning. My morning english class was cancled so, i thought that it was good weather and a good time to take the little hedgepigs out for a run. Of course, it was too much for me, trying to keep up with Tessie. So i put her in her plastic ball...and let her run around. Lily played with a papertowel roll. She would get her head stuck inside and would walk around with this huge tube comming out from her head. She was so cute. I decided to sketch them while they played. It was really adorable. Many people came out of their apartments and watched them too. I was able to meet quite afew new people. I liked that. I'm getting to know the people who live around me. I actually feel like i'm home...finally. Its such a great feeling...great community and friends that live close by. That is something that doesn't happen very often and it has taken me almost three years to achieve that. Its an absolutely wonderful feeling. Its that feeling of contentment that is washing over me at the moment.

Tuck Fexas.

I really am developing a burning passion of hatred towards the University of Texas. I mean, a wonderful burning and glowing red passion against that ugly burnt orange university. This is why. Last football season when Texas Tech played Texas at the Jones, we lost. Now, we didn't loose because of our shortcommings (mostly). We lost because the refs at the game made SEVERAL questionable calls. The short part of the story is that Coach Leach had the game reviewed by the Big12 and the NCAA, thus resulting in the expulsion of those refs. Incidentally, those same refs were the officials for the Texas Tech vs UTEP game last year. We almost lost that game too...we went into overtime eventually winning. Today, i read in the Daily Toreador (Texas Tech's newspaper), the title: "Arkansas St. coach says Big 12 acknowledged bad call in Texas win". This article just fueled the already smoldering fire of hatred that i have towards this university. UT's coach, Mack Brown stated, "When you look at calls, some go for us, some go against us...You don't worry about them and move on." He says this because HE WON! I honestly believe that Texas has thier fingers in a place where they should not be. (no sexual reference there). Just because they won one championship does not mean that they have the continuous power in the Big12. Watching them play last saturday just confirmed that hatred and that previous statement. I was not scared, i laughed. Oklahoma is a team to be alittle frightened of...with a very respectable coach and a strong program, Oklahoma is a team to watch. Which brings me to this next point, Texas Tech needs to really work and be on thier toes this season. We are still riding off of the high of last year's Insight Bowl game. But we have teams like Texas, Oklahoma, A&M, and Missouri to watchout for. This will not be an easy season...especially with Harrell getting hurt during the Texas Tech vs SMU game on Labor Day. We have our work cut out for us, but i fully believe that if we play like the Red Raiders have made thier name: Pirates of the Plains...we can be a force in the Big 12 and finally gaining some of the respect that the Big 12 tends to overlook for Tech.

I may just be an optimist or just a HUGE Red Raider fan...but that is my honest biased opinion.

Celebration.

I'm turning 21 tomorrow! I can't wait. I have alot of homework to do before hand, but 21 years baby! Another milestone in the walk we call life. And it really has been the life that i've been learning from. Learning is always the hard part...then the walk is the second hardest...

I want to say "Thank you" to all of those people who have helped me in my walk of life, however large or small your influence has been to my life...it has been an influence and I am very thankful for your touch. "so much of me is made of what i've learned from you, you'll be with me like a hand print on my heart...." (For Good, from Wicked).

-Reijn

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

iContent?


so another week of school...and the monotomy of life begins to start on a rolling basis. You have got to love schedules and time tables and making sure your week works just right or everything goes haywire. Something interesting yet not too profound happened to me the other day. I dreampt of reality. How is that possible, you may ask. Reality doesn't truly exist if you really want to get down to the nitty-gritty. But i've been having alot of half-assedly awake dreams lately. I think its because i fall asleep with the TV on and forget to turn it off until i have to wake up. Which, that in itself brings me to this entry.

Tendencies.
I have found alot of tendencies that i lean toward...for better or for worse. I love my solitude, but i have to get my daily people fix or i'll get lonely. I like my darkness but i always like walking outside into the beautiful clear blue sunshine. Its wonderful. I also feel like I have to have things just right, the way i like them, and if they are in dissarray the world is comming to an end. I guess i have found my contentment. So to my dream. I pretty much found myself comparing my current life style and tendencies to that of Joey. This is scary to me. We both understand how he and I are very simular and see ourselves in eachother...but i honestly DO NOT want to turn out like him. Yet i find happiness in solitude and in people. I find myself waking up after a long nights rest, lonely. Yet i will chase people out of my apartment so i can be alone. Contentment in Solitude. I guess that's what you would call it.

To add to this contentment i have my electronics and animals. I love my iPod, my beautiful mac, my useful Dell, and my cute hedeghogs: Tessie and Lily. Eventhough this set up is not ideal, it is good enough for me. And I like it. Now my question is, should i be content in my situation? I am a busy college student trying to put together study groups, and attend meetings and parties...while study and get art work done...should I be too worried about my Joey-ish tendencies? I refuse to turn out like him, yet we find happiness in the same things. It may be because i'm finally content and happy with being single once again. Its a nice feeling. Its a feeling i have forgotten. My heart, soul and mind are finally healing. Maybe i'm finding contentment in the solitude of healing.

On another note...i finally went back to church Sunday...well sorta. One of my band instructors asked me to play at this church he plays at...and I did. And i was very different from what i'm used to, but rewarding none the less. I like it. Maybe i'll continue and start going back to church all together. We'll see.

Got to run!

-Reijn