Future Breaks

Crazy.

Its been a crazy crazy good week. I've been consumed with school work and classes. My english courses are going to eat me for lunch, then my art courses are going to eat the small remains of me for dinner. ha ha ha...ok, korny i know....leave me alone. Its been a long week. I've been studying hard in my Japanese class while trying to keep a somewhat social life. Which leads me to Jordan.

Jordan's Future.

I think i found someone special. Like, honestly special. I don't want to sound to presumptuous or "jumping-the-gun" but i think i found someone that lean on, and trust, and care for while not being scared of the future. That is something that has always come and bitten me in the butt...the future. So many wonderful guys have walked out of my life because of changes in thier lives or paths changing. Its not anything that i like or enjoy seeing, but it is something that tends to happen with me...more often than not. Jordan is graduating in December. Well, wonderful for him, though, i'm just worried what would happen to "us" if he leaves. I think we found our connection...our halves...but lets face it, i don't do long distance, and I have two more years ahead of me before i graduate with my undergrad. Then, on top of that, i want to go to grad school. Is he willing to follow? I don't know. My education has always come first in my life, but at the same time...what truly comes first when you are falling so hard and so fast for someone that you are scared to even look around for the ground? I pray to God that the ground never comes. I don't want to go through that pain again...not now, and not with Jordan.

Guys and Dolls.

A friend just asked me: "lol, well, I took a girl from work but it looks like we will just be friends.
From one friend to another, tell me the truth on this question,
Why do nice guys finish last?"

I responded: lol, honestly from one friend to another and one guy to/from a girl...this is how it works:

the nice guys don't finish last. In the long run they don't. They come out on top. They are the ones who get the girl after the douchbags have gone and are still single. The nice guys are the ones who come out with the hot girls too. The thing is that most girls our age have not figured themselves out. They don't know who they are and what they want in both thier lives and in a relationship. In many ways, you have to wait until you find a mature enough girl for you. But once you find her, you will most definately be comming out on top, compared to that asshole behind you. Alot of my guy friends have asked me that exact same question, and all I truly have to say is that the girls that you are going for are not worth your time if they are acting the way they are. The ones who are worth your time are the ones who are sitting in a corner watching everybody and then slips out when the people are getting stupid. (But i would like to respond more: ) Jordan said something to me last night that really struck me hard. I've had lots of friends and guy friends all tell me that i'm the "fish" that got away, or that i'm too much of an air elemental for my own good. Jordan said, that he had been waiting for someone like me, for a long time. That he was not going to let this oppritunity go...that i was worth the sacrifices. What he said struck me hard. This is why. NOBODY has ever said that to me. no one. Now, i probally have some of my ex-es reading this and they are saying, "no, i said that to you..." but my responce to you is that things never pulled through...the sacrifices weren't made...or paths changed and there were no need for sacrifices. With Jordan, i'm eerily suspicious that things are different. That he might actually make those sacrifices. But what about the nice guys? Overall, Jordan is a nice guy. He is sweet with chilvary and wonderful manners. A good west texas boy. Don't get me wrong, he is a complete ass too. But that is his way of showing that he cares. (how backwards that sounds, its true). He sat me down last night and told me that if any of my (bad) ex-es continued to call me that he would intervene...because he could and he felt like it was his right. I was floored. No one has ever offered to do that. So, in his case, the nice guy did not finish last...the nice guy just had to sift through all the crappy girls until he found one good one...thus comming out on top in the end....then all the real jerks are still single and still left with all the crappy girls.

Its a really backwards world we live in. My question to you is, "why do all the good ones go through the BS before finding something special?" I don't regret any of my past relationships but at the same time, alot of it was extreemly unnecessary and painful. I have grown because of it, but it doesn't change the fact that the scars and barriers are still there. Its hard to let go of what you know to be true...what is truth for your life. Its a comfort zone almost. Why walk out of the shell that makes us feel safe, just to take a gamble of happiness? Too many people make that mistake and become hurt in the end. Its not fair...its not right.

-Reijn