Saying Goodbye
I have decided to change the look of my blog. Even though I still consider myself an elfen muse, I am changing. I am not the same girl who sat on that couch in Waco, Texas...when my then boyfriend walked into the room and smiled. That smile. That damned smile, I could never understand what was behind it...and even now, I probably will never truly understand. But it was the words behind that smile that told me that I was an elfen muse...I was HIS muse. Four years have past since that moment. I took that moment and lived with it, developed it, and hoped that maybe, just maybe that moment would return. There is still a part of me that will always be that elfen muse...the quiet girl with the glee behind curious eyes. I was blindly in love...and wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be his muse. I wanted to be everything to him.
Four years have past. And to be perfectly honest, talking to him is never easy. The "what ifs" always come up into our conversations. The ensnaring tenderness so dangerously intertwined with brutality scares me and makes me want more all at the same time. I listened to his recording of "Believe" by Elton John the other day. It reminded me why I fell in love with him, why i cared so much about him. There is a beautiful power he has in his music and in his passion. I know its dangerous, but I have never gone down the easy path. THAT path does not exist as far as I'm concerned. I love him. I will always continue to love him, no matter what happens or is in store for my future. He took a part of me and he keeps a part of me that I can never get back, even if I asked for it. In reality, I am completely frightened of him, but I love him so much. May this be hard for you to understand, I am sorry, but it is the truth.
If there has been one thing I have learned in my few 21 years on this earth, (4 years of awakening) is that you cannot deny reality. Whether its the reality that you have built for yourself or its the reality that knocks you over the head, it is the harsh truth of the world in which we live in. This is why I have changed my blog layout and title. I will always be the little elfen muse, but the harsh reality of it all is that I am not her now. I feel like an adult holding a red balloon and trying to see the world through its red tents. I feel like I am holding this metaphor of innocence so tightly that it will pop, and all I have in my hands are rubber shards that stretch and bend, but will never be what it once was.
This is the reality of The Red Balloon.
- Reijn
posted by Reijn of the Elfin Muse | 6:36 AM
2 Comments:
I am touched by what you you have written. I'm glad...and I'm sorry all at once.
Reading this brings back memories of my first love (I was 20-21 at the time). In my case, I eventually moved on and found the love of my life, and I'm married to him today. But I do sometimes wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self not to give my love to that first boyfriend. I wish I could tell myself that I'm worth more than he will ever appreciate. I wish I could tell myself that saving myself for my husband is not something that has gone out of style, but it's the way God planned for life to be. But by going through what I did, I learned a lot about life, about others, and about myself. I wouldn't be the same person today if I hadn't gone through that time. We aren't defined by our pasts, but we are shaped by them. I'll pray that you'll be able to learn what you need to learn from your past experiences and go on to be the woman that God wants you to be. You're precious in His sight and in mine! :)
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