Moths
I added a new blog link to my blog! Its Five Cent Stand...Seth and Amber, a couple from my church who are amazing!!!
Well, i'm stressed. I've been working on lots and lots of scheduling and projects and papers and what not. This duel major is going ot kick my butt...and its looking like i will not be able to take that summer job. Its looking more and more like i need to take summer school inorder to graduate in 4-5 years...and i really don't want to make it 6 but there is a slight possibility. I'll probally end up taking most of my english courses over the summers and most of my art courses over the school year. Its all kicking my butt right now.
So was standing in the cort yard between the Arch. building and the Art building. I was walking up and down the stairs near the art building and walking on the concrete siding on one of the landscaping areas. I tend to pace alot, i've noticed that. Anywho, i was walking around and pacing on the concrete siding/barrier when i looked down and saw a moth trying to fly. It was flopping around trying so hard making that typical bug buzzing noise. (thats how i noticed it). Upon closer inspection i noticed one of its wings had torn off and the poor thing was trying to fly! All i could think of was, "thats pathetic." Then i caught myself thinking that and i was appauled that, that was what i was thinking! An innocent animal was suffering and all i could think of was "thats pathetic"?! What is freakin wrong with me! And to top it all off, i didn't even put it out of its misery, i left it to suffer and eventually die. In some ways i want to go back and try to find it but i know there is nothing left for me to do..its going to die anyways. And honestly i don't care. What is wrong with me? I'm sick...and demented.
-Reijn
Well, i'm stressed. I've been working on lots and lots of scheduling and projects and papers and what not. This duel major is going ot kick my butt...and its looking like i will not be able to take that summer job. Its looking more and more like i need to take summer school inorder to graduate in 4-5 years...and i really don't want to make it 6 but there is a slight possibility. I'll probally end up taking most of my english courses over the summers and most of my art courses over the school year. Its all kicking my butt right now.
So was standing in the cort yard between the Arch. building and the Art building. I was walking up and down the stairs near the art building and walking on the concrete siding on one of the landscaping areas. I tend to pace alot, i've noticed that. Anywho, i was walking around and pacing on the concrete siding/barrier when i looked down and saw a moth trying to fly. It was flopping around trying so hard making that typical bug buzzing noise. (thats how i noticed it). Upon closer inspection i noticed one of its wings had torn off and the poor thing was trying to fly! All i could think of was, "thats pathetic." Then i caught myself thinking that and i was appauled that, that was what i was thinking! An innocent animal was suffering and all i could think of was "thats pathetic"?! What is freakin wrong with me! And to top it all off, i didn't even put it out of its misery, i left it to suffer and eventually die. In some ways i want to go back and try to find it but i know there is nothing left for me to do..its going to die anyways. And honestly i don't care. What is wrong with me? I'm sick...and demented.
-Reijn
posted by Reijn of the Elfin Muse | 7:32 PM
2 Comments:
Compassion is nice to have, but knowing your limits is a useful thing to have too. I think you are just beginning to get a grasp on what that means. You're realizing you can't save the world, you can't help every person always. It's part of being human. That's how I'd interpret the moth at least.
it's ok. a moth? a bug? maybe it has sensations, but i highly doubt they're processed the way ours are.
fine, fine. i don't really know how a moth feels. *sigh* and no, i'm not going to pretend to know. however i have done that thing before. i can't KILL the damn thing, but is leaving it alive more cruel? how much is reflex and how much is pain?
well, let's just blame it on the stress. let's just say that at other time, a kinder gentler allisonic amazon would have stomped the thing and been done with it.
i'm sorry if none of this makes sense or this comment is rambling on too long. but i used that one window of opportunity and fell asleep at 12:15. My roomie decided that 1:30 would be the better time to go to bed, and thus allowed the door to slam on her way back in from brushing her teeth or something
and now here i am. awake. completely awake. and bored out of my mind. and exhausted beyond all understanding. it's too much to ask, falling asleep twice in one night. apparently.
anyway, about the dual majors, although i'm not choosing that route in particular, i know what a big hassle just changing my major is going to be. damn the institution to hell. they make these paperwork labyrinths hellish on purpose.
how many hours are you going to end up in next year? that really sucks about your job-- you wanted it so badly! and it was such an achievement to get! would it be possible to take the one summer off??
well, if we ever meet again... we will discuss the matter further then. unfortunately i'm in the middle of a big fat sleep deficit already, so my conversations are usually less than intelligible or helpful, and my eyes have gotten lost in the black baggy circles slowly puffing up over the last two weeks.
yes, i think i would have stepped on the moth in your situation. just to hear it squish. possibly there would have been laughter. definitely no deep thoughts. so don't berate yourself too hard.
at least you felt regret. if you were such an inhumane person, could you have written that entry?
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