Too Many Thoughts (long long entry)

Gaining an innocence lost. I finished reading a book my boss, Joe, lent me: Velvet Elvis. The entire thing is actually quite interesting and very practical, but what got me most was what the author/pastor said in his epilogue:

“I’m like you. I have seen plenty done in the name of God that I’m sure God doesn’t want anything to do with. I have lots of reasons for bailing on the whole thing.

I’m also like you because I have choice. To become bitter, cynical, jaded, and hard. Anybody can do that. A lot have. Hatred is a powerful, unifying force. And there is a lot to be repulsed by.

Or, like you, I can choose to reclaim my innocence. We can choose to reclaim our innocence together. WE can insist that hope is real and that a group of people who love God and others really can change the world. WE can reclaim our idealism and our belief and our confidence in the big ideas that stir us deep in our bones. We
can commit all the more to being the kinds of people who are learning how to do what Jesus teaches us.

…I am not going to s top dreaming of new ways to live lives of faith and creativity and meaning and significance…we need you to rediscover wonder and awe.” (Rob Bell in Velvet Elvis, pp. 176-177).

His point was choosing to gain back an innocence lost. Making the choice to not become cynical, bitter, hardened, calloused, damaged goods, etc. To choose to become child-like in the views of life, love, and Christ. I almost started crying in the SUB when I read it…and I do not cry over movies and books. My heart broke. It is something that I have been struggling and wanting to gain back—my innocence, my being, myself. And pretty much this young pastor states that it is a personal and mental choice, yet what if I do not know where to start that mindset? I have forgotten. I have completely forgotten what it means to be untainted. I can’t feel my emotions any more, I can’t feel my heart. I have achieved something that I have been yearning to achieve for a long time…I have torn my bleeding heart off of my sleeve.

I was talking to Derek the other night. I realized that I still have compassion and I still have my core being but my heart is gone…my passion for love has disappeared. I could care less how I affect other people. I care for people close to me, but I could care less about “strangers” around me. I honestly do not understand why any more. I’m perplexed, but I am not sure if that is the right way to feel about it. That is my issue…that is my problem. I think I should be worried and scared but I don’t care…I honestly don’t care and I’m confused on why I don’t care. Again, that’s my problem. Is there truly a way to gain your innocence back when you do not remember how to go about making that mental decision?

~*~

Well, I’m sorry that I haven’t typed up a blog entry in such a long time. I’ve been swamped with my art project and sleep that I just haven’t been able to get around to writing an entry. I’ve written, but not in my blog unfortunately, and I apologize to my readers.

Well, there are a ton of stories I need to tell:

First off would be the plane rid back from Houston to Lubbock. It was a complete nightmare. To start off the story, it was raining and the plane was delayed in Austin getting to Houston due to the storms. That was an hour sitting in the air port doing nothing, talking on the phone with Derek (who was driving back from Austin to Lubbock) and on the phone with Tyler, Ann and my parents telling them what was going on. So that was just part of Houston. We got on the plane finally and then they stopped the safty talks and told us that we would be sitting on the runway for an undefined amount of time due to the delays in Dallas (my layover). They were projecting up to a second hour delay. Thankfully it never came to that…we were out in 20 min. The flight over to Dallas was not bad at all...but once we got to Dallas, that was another matter. We stayed on the tarmat for about two hours. The captian came on and he said that they had to revert our flight path to a longer path because of the weather so they were giving us extra fuel. BUT then that flight path became dangerous and our orginial path opened up so they had to defuel instead of taking passangers off. I turned to the guy sitting next to me and said that i give them and extra 30 min and then we are outta here. He laughed, and i was so right. I did have a good conversation with the guy though. The flight decending into Lubbock was the most trubulent that i have ever experianced in my life. I have grown up flying and never been scared. I've also flown soon after 9/11 and i was not scared. But this flight scared me. We were literally rocked and pushed around like a flag in the wind. Everybody had white nuckles. I looked at the girl sitting across the isle and she looked calm but then i looked at the iPod in her hands and she was gripping it so hard that i thought she might break it. We got back to lubbock around 10:45 or so, instead of 7:30-8:00.

Well, i hit the ground running. Art projects and papers and what not. Last night my computer and keyboard decided to be a bitch. My Internet window likes to flip out on me so i restarted my computer...then my keyboard decides to die on me. I had to go out and buy a new keyboard since my other one had stuff spilled all over it. Well, i bought a wireless...but i had to download the drivers into my computer...but i couldn't log in b/c i didn't have a working keyboard. So i had to go around the dorm looking for people who first had a PC, second had a keyboard, and third had a keyboard that connected with a USB port. It was harder than thought. Eventually i found a sorority chick that would let me borrow her keyboard for 5 min so i could log into my computer. It worked beautifully. I logged in and downloaded the drivers onto my computer and programed my wireless keyboard and mouse. Its so much fun having wireless now: quiter keyes, faster mouse...its nice.

Well, i'm exausted. I think i'm going to sit on my bed with my wireless and chat on gaia for alittle while. *nods* best of luck to you all...*huggles*

-Reijn