yes yes yes, i know its been a while...and i appologize to my readers. My schedule has been this every day:
6:45 am-wake up for work
8:00-12:00pm- go to work/office then drive to the barn and work the horse
12:00-1:30pm- lunch break (i go to my appartment)
2:00-3:00/3:30pm- classes at Tech
3:30 (or so)-5:00pm- back at work doing whatever
5:00 on -> shower, rest, hang out sleep...
Then it all starts over again. *sighs* very very very tiring. I think i'm sick due to the hard schedule and lack of sleep. I really don't feel good.
Anywho, enough with that...i wanted to write afew paragraphs over miscilanious things:
Beauty.
Beauty is power. It is amazing what a person can get away with when they have the looks. Beauty is also corrupting. I have known so many people in my past that have known that they were drop dead gorgeous and they flounced it, knowing exactly what they were doing. Its sickening almost. Flowing right into a more personally convicting matter, i know i'm beautiful. I know i have that exotic look that many people would kill for. I know i have power, and it sickens me to know that yes, i use that power to my advantage. I walk all over people, getting them to do my bidding. And i use my cuteness, my beauty and carisma to my advantage. My guy friends tell me all the time, "I am only doing this because you are so damn cute." or "You are really hot, but i won't make a move on you eventhough i want to." It just boosts my ego and my skeeming mind. I am ashamed that, that is how i am...but its the truth. I actually have started to dress down more often than not, and wear less makeup. I'm trying to look plainer than how i looked in High School. One, it takes too much effort, and two, its not really worth the attention. I use people to my advantage because i know i can get it...through my looks and through my carisma. Even sexual things...i can get what i want...and i usually do. It sickens me that, that is how i am. Beauty is power in America, and americans are corupted for the most part.
Will.
Yes, THAT Will. My ex. Now why would i write an entire entry about him? He cussed me out, hurt me continuously, and damaged alot of friendships...well...he made me realize something the other day. The story goes: My friend Sara called me and informed me that Will was engaged. I went through an array of emotions: anger, hurt, bitterness... Eitherway, she knew very little about details, so i called a mutural friend between Will and I, James. James said he didn't know anything about it, but that Will wanted to hang out and that he would send my congradulations to him when they did. Well, James called me the next day and said that Will cussed him out and said that he wanted nothing to do with me, did not want my name spoken in his presence, and that anything that happened between James and him and Will and I was to be kept under wraps. James thought that i should know, which was sweet of him, and said that he was done playing mediator between Will and I. I agreed, thanked him, and proceeded with a change of subject. My "little sister", Victoria, called me today and informed me that Will was living with his fiance. She was shocked, but i wasn't. Victoria is still in the Sugar Land bubble so the idea of living with the opposite sex may be a bit too liberal for her. Fortunately, i've grown out of that. *laughs* The entire process of reliving that aspect of my life, was interesting and hurtful to say the least. My roommate and good friend, Crystal, and another close friend, Fasayo, sat around the kitchen table with me and drank, laughed, and enjoyed eachother's company. They really are amazing friends and great people. But like i was saying before, the entire process made me realize things and think. Crystal pointed out that i really haven't had much time to heal from all the personal drama i have been through...Will, then Joey, then Derek. I agreed. And it made me realize that i needed to heal, i needed to be healed. What also struck me hard was a feeling of abandonment. I have been erased from history with Will, as much as he's concerned, and Joey left me hurt and broken, and even now, Derek (which we are still not dating) won't talk to me about a stupid problem he may have. I feel very abandoned by happiness and the chance for complete and utter love. A love that is unconditional, unchanging, unbiased. I feel abandoned at ultimate companionship. Now, yes, i have God...yes i have that relationship...but its very stagnent right now...and that is mostly due to my neglect. It doesn't change the fact that i feel hurt once again.
Happiness is not for me now...maybe later.
Music.
So i have my Mac now and i'm so excited...i want to record and record and record!!! I want to play music and mix as much as i can. I also want to put out my own myspace page with all of my music. *nods* I think that would be so freakin' cool! *nods* We are getting our keyboardist next week, and a drum set at the same time. I am also going to put up adds on facebook for drummers and guitarists. I don't know, i'm excited. *nods*
Well, i think that's it for now. I noticed on my counter that i've almost reached 2k hits! exciting! Maybe i'll do something special for that 2000th person...or something special for that post...if you are the 2000th person post a comment and we'll work something out! *nods*
*huggles*
-Reijn
